Washington, D.C. – Former Congressman Adam Kinzinger, a vocal advocate for transparency and accountability, is suddenly less enthusiastic about those principles after reporters began asking how his net worth mysteriously skyrocketed by $108 million in just eight years.

Once known for his righteous speeches about political corruption, Kinzinger is now dodging questions faster than a lobbyist in a polygraph test.

“Listen, I’ve worked hard,” Kinzinger told reporters while stepping into his brand-new Gulfstream jet. “I’m just a humble public servant who happened to make a series of extremely fortunate financial decisions.”

Pressed further on what those decisions were, Kinzinger offered several vague explanations, including:

“Smart investments” in companies that oddly received government contracts he voted for.
Royalties from an unpublished memoir called ‘Profiles in Me: The Kinzinger Story.’
A side hustle selling “Democracy Hero” NFTs.

Despite his reluctance to provide details, financial disclosures reveal suspiciously well-timed stock trades, lucrative consulting gigs, and an offshore account registered under the alias “Kinz Ingerstein.”

Ethics watchdogs are calling for an investigation, while Kinzinger’s former colleagues are suddenly remembering why he wasn’t invited to poker night.

However, just as the scandal began gaining traction, Kinzinger’s office released a statement that conveniently explained everything:

“Mr. Kinzinger recently won the Iowa state lottery.”

The explanation raised more questions than answers, considering that Kinzinger neither lives in nor visits Iowa.

Still, he remains firm: “Look, it’s just an incredible coincidence,” he said, flashing his new diamond-encrusted “Country First” lapel pin.

For now, Americans are left with a choice—believe in miracles or believe in politics.