Chuck Schumer’s NASA Scam: $16 Million through NJ Shell Company

Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling a bold new frontier in space exploration (and brunch), Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer has successfully secured a $16 million grant from NASA to fund research into “zero-gravity-compatible scones, Belgian waffles, and mini-muffins.”

Speaking to reporters outside a Capitol Hill café, Schumer defended the expenditure, calling it a “vital step in the future of American space travel.”

“If we’re going to colonize Mars, we can’t have our astronauts floating around eating boring freeze-dried peas,” Schumer declared, waving a buttered scone for emphasis. “We need flaky, intergalactic pastries to boost morale and keep our brave spacefarers energized.”

According to NASA’s official proposal, the funds will be used to develop pastry stabilization technology, ensuring that scones don’t crumble in zero gravity, mini-muffins don’t drift into sensitive spacecraft equipment, and Belgian waffles can be safely buttered in deep space.

The initiative, dubbed Project Cosmic Crumb, has already sparked controversy. Critics argue that taxpayer dollars should be funding actual space exploration, not “the astronaut brunch buffet.” Senator Ted Cruz blasted the program, saying, “If NASA wants to make muffins, they should do it on their own dime. What’s next? Subsidized space crepes?”

Meanwhile, NASA scientists insist that space baking technology has practical applications. Lead researcher Dr. Linda Foster explained, “If we can keep a muffin from floating away in orbit, imagine what we could do for civilian bakeries dealing with unruly soufflés.”

As debate rages on, one thing is clear: whether or not we make it to Mars, Schumer has ensured that if we do, we’ll get there with a full stomach.