So, our dear Duchess of Desperation, Meghan Markle, decided to grace the Hamptons with her presence. Just a casual trip to rub elbows with the rich and famous at the G9 Venture Summer Summit—sounds fancy, right? Well, buckle up, buttercup, because this little outing turned into a masterclass in celebrity rejection.

Meghan did manage to snag a few pics with her bestie, Muna, and makeup maven Bobby Brown, but let’s be real: that’s like getting the autograph of the backup dancer’s cousin twice removed. The real story, my friends, is who wasn’t in those photos. We’re talking Gwyneth Paltrow, the queen of Goop herself; Reese Witherspoon, America’s sweetheart; and Diane Sawyer, journalism royalty. These A-listers were at the event but mysteriously absent from any shots with our wannabe Windsor.

Can you imagine Meghan’s desperation? She probably spent the whole event trying to accidentally bump into Gwyneth at the bar or corner Reese in the restroom, but these celebs were having none of it. They know better than to get caught in Meghan’s web of self-promotion. It’s like watching a high school cafeteria scene play out in real time—Meghan’s the desperate new kid trying to join the cool table, and Gwyneth and Reese are the reigning queens of Hollywood giving her the cold shoulder. “You can’t sit with us, Meghan.”

Gwyneth actually owns a house near Meghan in Montecito. Talk about awkward neighbor vibes! I can just picture Meghan peeking over the fence, trying to catch a glimpse of Gwyneth’s organic, gluten-free barbecue. “Oh hi, Gwyneth! I was just admiring your sustainable bamboo lawn furniture. Want to grab a coffee and chat about how famous we both are?”

And it’s not just Gwyneth giving Meghan the cold shoulder. Even Taylor Swift, the queen of squad goals herself, has apparently shaken off Meghan’s attempts at friendship. When Taylor Swift doesn’t want to be in your squad, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.

But why are these A-listers so keen to avoid Meghan like she’s carrying the plague? It’s simple: they know that a photo with Meghan is like making a deal with the devil. Sure, you might get a moment in the spotlight, but at what cost? These stars understand that Meghan isn’t looking for friends; she’s looking for stepping stones. Every photo op, every casual hangout—it’s all part of her grand plan to claw her way back to relevance. She’s not interested in genuine connections; she’s interested in what these people can do for her brand.

What does Meghan have to offer these established stars? A guest spot on her podcast that nobody listens to? A cameo in her next Netflix show that’ll probably get canceled before it even airs? These women have built empires; they don’t need Meghan’s brand of drama in their lives.

But oh, how it must sting for our dear Duchess. Can you imagine the internal meltdown she must have had when she realized she couldn’t get a photo with Gwyneth? I bet she was fuming under that perfectly practiced smile. “Don’t they know who I am? I’m a Duchess, for crying out loud!” Sorry, Megs, but in Hollywood, a royal title doesn’t mean squat unless you can back it up with actual talent or influence.

These A-listers have worked their butts off to get where they are. They’re not about to let some actress-turned-flash-in-the-pan royal ride their coattails to relevance. And let’s not forget, this isn’t just about Meghan—Prince Harry is equally persona non grata in these circles. Cozying up to the Sussexes means picking a side in the royal family feud, and honey, if you’re going to pick a side, you’d better make sure it’s the winning one. Right now, Harry and Meghan are about as popular as a root canal at Buckingham Palace. Their constant whining, their poor-little-rich-kid act, their incessant need to air all the royal dirty laundry—it’s exhausting. These Hollywood heavyweights aren’t trying to get caught up in that mess.

It’s like Harry and Meghan forgot the first rule of Hollywood: it’s all about who you know. And right now, they don’t know anyone who wants to know them. They burned their bridges with the Royals and now they’re finding out that their Hollywood bridges were made of matchsticks to begin with.

Meghan’s desperation is showing, and it’s not a good look. The Hamptons is just the latest in a long line of PR disasters. Remember when she tried to rebrand herself as the next Gwyneth with her lifestyle brand? Yeah, that went over as well as a lead balloon.

The problem is, Meghan’s trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wants all the perks of being a royal without any of the responsibilities. She wants to be seen as a great humanitarian, but only if the cameras are rolling. She wants to be friends with A-listers, but only if they can boost her profile. Honey, that’s not how it works in the real world. You can’t just show up to the Hamptons, wave your royal title around like a magic wand, and expect everyone to bow down. These women—Gwyneth, Reese, Taylor—they’ve built their empires from the ground up. They don’t need your royal fairy dust.

And let’s talk about that royal title for a second, Meghan. Sweetie, you can’t have it both ways. You can’t trash the royal family at every turn and then still expect to trade on your Duchess status. It’s like quitting your job in a blaze of glory and then asking for a reference letter. It doesn’t work like that.

But the most delicious part of all this? The sweet, beautiful karma of it all. Meghan thought she was too good for the Royals, too big for their stuffy traditions. She thought Hollywood would welcome her with open arms. But now she’s finding out that she’s not too big for Hollywood—she’s too small. In her rush to escape the royal fishbowl, Meghan forgot one crucial thing: sometimes it’s better to be a big fish in a small pond than a minnow in the ocean. And right now, in the vast ocean of Hollywood, Meghan’s barely making a splash.

So what’s next for our dear Duchess? Well, if her past behavior is anything to go by, we can expect a flurry of leaked stories about how she’s actually best friends with all these celebs, but they’re just keeping it on the down low. Or maybe she’ll pivot again, trying to reinvent herself as some sort of Silicon Valley guru. Forget Goop—it’s all about Meghan now.

But here’s some free advice, Meghan (not that you’ll take it, but hey, I’m feeling generous): stop chasing the spotlight. Stop trying to be something you’re not. If you want respect, if you want influence, if you want to be taken seriously, earn it. Do the work. Build something real, not just a house of cards built on royal connections and celebrity name drops. Because right now, you’re the Hollywood equivalent of that person who peaks in high school and spends the rest of their life trying to relive their glory days. You had your moment in the sun as a royal, but honey, that sun has set. It’s time to figure out who Meghan Markle really is without the tiers and titles.

And to all you viewers out there, let this be a lesson: fame, fortune, royal titles—they’re all fleeting. What really matters is authenticity, hard work, and genuine connections. So the next time you’re tempted to chase celebrity or ride someone else’s coattails, remember the cautionary tale of Meghan, the Duchess of Desperation.