“The Squad” Took $508,000 from Student Loan Forgiveness Program

Washington, D.C. – In a bold and unprecedented move, members of The Squad—including Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley—have reportedly claimed a combined $508,000 in student loan forgiveness, only to immediately redirect the funds to undocumented Dreamers in what critics are calling “a progressive redistribution scheme” and supporters are hailing as “the Robin Hood stimulus package.”

At a press conference outside a local fair-trade, carbon-neutral coffee shop, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez defended the decision. “Look, student loan forgiveness is about justice—but so is ensuring that Dreamers, who weren’t lucky enough to be burdened with American debt, get their fair share of government generosity too,” she explained while sipping an oat milk cortado.

Rep. Ilhan Omar added, “Some people will say, ‘You took taxpayer money that was supposed to relieve hard-working Americans of their student loans.’ And to that, I say—exactly.”

The Squad’s redistribution plan allegedly included direct cash transfers to Dreamers in amounts equivalent to forgiven loans, along with prepaid Visa gift cards loaded with $2,000 for ‘self-care, activism, and artisanal kombucha.’

Conservatives erupted in outrage. “This is a slap in the face to every hardworking American who played by the rules,” said Senator Tom Cotton. “Next thing you know, they’ll be handing out Tesla subsidies to people who don’t even have driver’s licenses.”

Meanwhile, Dreamers receiving the funds were stunned by their sudden windfall. “I never even went to college,” said one recipient. “But, hey, if AOC wants to pay for my PlayStation 5, who am I to argue?”

As debate rages, one thing is clear—The Squad has found the most creative way yet to cancel student debt… just not for the people who actually had it.