Sometimes, you need to let kids figure out how to solve problems, or suffer the consequences of their decisions, all on their own.
That’s according to psychiatrist and bestselling author Daniel Amen. Parents too often make the mistake of “overdoing” for their kids, resulting in “mentally weak children,” Amen told the “Built Different” podcast, in an episode that aired on Tuesday.
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Such behaviors — like doing your kid’s class project yourself to help them get a better grade, or giving them what they want solely to halt an oncoming tantrum — limit children’s mental resilience and sense of independence, said Amen. And highly resilient kids are more likely to become happy, successful adults, research shows.
“When my daughter would forget her homework at home, nobody’s bringing it to school. If she didn’t bring a jacket on a cold day, even though her mother told her to, nobody’s bringing her the jacket,” Amen said. “It’s so important that when a child says ‘I’m bored,’ rather than you [fixing] it, just say ‘I wonder what you’re going to do about it.'”
“If you do too much for your children, you are increasing your self-esteem by stealing theirs,” he added. “[Humans] develop mental toughness by solving problems.”
Building a kid’s mental resilience doesn’t require a “tough love” parenting approach of harsh punishments, Barnard College child psychologist Tovah Klein told CNBC Make It last year. Trying to shield children from disappointment won’t help them build resilience either, said Klein.
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Instead, you can allow your kids to experience setbacks, mistakes and other tough moments — while letting them know you still support and love them.
“I see it as a more empathic, connected [approach]. ‘This might be hard, and I’ll be here when you’re done,'” Klein said, adding: “It’s a message of: ‘I trust you to get through this hard thing, and I’ll be here no matter how it goes, whether you win, whether you lose, whether you come in the middle. I’m here for you.”
Similarly, the more you encourage children to help the people around them — from daily chores at home to their friends and classmates at school — the more they’ll gain the empowerment and responsibility they need to confidently tackle their own challenges, the American Psychological Association noted in a 2012 blog post.
“Let them begin to figure out their problems, or the solutions to their problems, rather than being overly involved with them,” said Amen.
